Authentic August – Day 15
Here’s a fun little insecurity of mine: I think nobody one wants to be my friend. I hesitate to even write this out because I feel like I’m just complaining. That I’m just being a whiny little bitch. (Side note: sometimes I can snap myself out of negative thinking by saying to myself, “Christian, quit being a whiny little bitch!”) But I’ll write it out anyway in hopes that some relief can be found on the other side. Here we go:
I like being close to people. I like being everyone’s best friend. This is probably because of my deepest fear of being unwanted or unworthy of love. But if we were to put a positive spin on it, it’s because I just love people. I love getting to know people and making my best effort to see them for who they really are. To reflect back to them that they are the most powerful beings in the universe. Because I believe when we can fully tap into Spirit, we become powerful beyond measure.
So throughout my life I’ve always gotten very close and intimate with people, and usually very quickly. We share our worries and hopes within a short period of time. I mean for goodness’ sake when I would work the register at Trader Joe’s, my favorite question was,
“What’s one of your most treasured memories?”
So yeah, I like making friends. Very naturally, I became the guy that people came to to talk about their feelings and problems. I became the shoulder to cry on. And rightfully so! I think I have some natural talent when it comes to interpersonal relationships. But then after a while – and I first noticed this at the tail end of high school/ beginning of college – I got a little jaded that people only saw me as that guy, the nice guy who would always be there for you, but not the guy who you’d invite to the party.
So in the middle of quarantine this insecurity has been bubbling up. I keep asking things like,
“Why am I the one who’s always reaching out first?”
“Why doesn’t anyone check up on me?”
“What happened to the zoom hangout we planned?”
But then I remember that there’s a FUCKING PANDEMIC GOING ON! That Black Lives Matter. That for some children, all they’ve ever known is rape and slavery. That I might just be acting like a whiny little bitch lol.
So it’s nice to spice it up with some perspective like this. There are real problems going on out there, and my friends are forced to contend with 2020 as well. Some of them don’t feel safe right now. Some of them are in deep pain. Some of them are just caught up in their own slice of the world at the moment. So this really isn’t about me. But at the same time I don’t want to minimize how I feel, or make myself wrong for feeling neglected. I acknowledge that I’m feeling this way and that it’s okay to feel what I feel. But I also want to keep things in perspective.
So to all my lovely friends who I haven’t spoken to in while… I miss you guys. I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re surviving at least. I’ve lived enough life to realize I shouldn’t be taking our lack of connection personally. I mean some of the friends I’m closest with right now are friends I haven’t talked to for the last two years. So I know we’ll cross paths again. And when that day comes, there won’t be any grudges. There will only be LOVE.
And if we do not cross paths again… thanks for filling my life with your beautiful color. I appreciate you. And I’m grateful for the time we had together.
With LOVE,
Q.