Authentic August – Day 9
continued from part 1…
The only issue though is that if you’re just a kid, and the only emotions that are modeled for you are the happy, feel-good ones, then you’ll grow up a bit confused when a “bad” feeling does come up. Maybe you wouldn’t even know how to describe it, let alone express it in a healthy way.
Emotional Vocabulary
For example, several years ago I was helping a friend move out of her apartment and there was a bunch of stuff in her room to pack up. Pillows, blankets, trinkets, clothes, all that. At one point she asked me to start packing up the duvet… I glanced around the room searching for something that might be called a “doovay” since I’d actually never heard that word before. Finally I just asked, “What’s a doovay?”
Little did I know that a duvet is a type of blanket! I didn’t know because it wasn’t part of my vocabulary; I never learned it. A limit or a gap in my knowledge was revealed in that moment. In the same way, we might have some limits or gaps in our emotional vocabulary. We may not know the name of the emotion, or we may not know how to express the emotion in a healthy way, just because no one ever taught or modeled that to us.
Something I’ll always come back to is this idea that people are just doing the best with what they know. So if my parents only wanted me to experience happy emotions and they wanted to try and minimize any sad emotions, well… I mean a) that makes sense, and b) thank you! But, they probably did that because it’s all that they knew growing up. “Be happy. Don’t be sad.” It’s well meaning, but it also limits our emotional vocabulary.
Also, I’m starting to see that this isn’t just an immigrant or Filipino thing, it’s a vulnerability thing. It’s about how emotionally vulnerable and expressive your family is, regardless of culture. That said, I do believe that culture influences a family’s level of vulnerability. I would guess that some cultures are more skilled at vulnerability than others, but I haven’t actually explored the research yet, so I could be wrong.
Expanding Our Vocabulary
So how can I improve my coping mechanisms? How can I let go of my rose-colored glasses? Even though they’ve served me well up to now, is there a strategy that will serve me better?
Well I touched on this a few days ago in my Balancing post, and I referenced Rumi’s poem, The Guest House, and I think that’s a good starting point for me. The Guest House is a very short poem, so if you can, please read it yourself, but basically it says to welcome every emotion “into your house” as you would a guest, even if it’s uncomfortable or downright depressing.
This personification of an emotion as a guest is excellent, because guests have names! So for me, I think the first step is to become familiar with my guests by knowing their names.
“Oh you’re Sadness! And, oh you’re Anger! Thanks for visiting me. What can I do for you? Or what can you do for me?”
Sometimes when we speak our truth or our experience out loud, that’s enough to alleviate some of the suffering. And when we name our emotions and welcome them in, we’re no longer resisting. Ultimately, we are accepting them. And surrendering. And being gentle and understanding of ourselves, the way we would with a friend. We should accept what we’re feeling, instead of resisting it, because as the saying goes, “what you resist persists.”
So the next time I’m feeling off, I’m going to explore the feeling. I’m going to try to get to know him or her. I’m going to accept it’s presence, knowing that it’s okay to feel, and I think in some way this is a means to accepting myself more fully. A way to be more authentic.
With LOVE,
Q.