Christian Quiwa

Authentic August – Day 6

Another late night entry. It’s 9:55 pm. I was originally going to continue yesterday’s post, but I’ll postpone that for later this week when I can give that the proper attention it deserves.

For tonight I’ll just type and see where my fingers take me! Stream of consciousness style. More of a journal entry, I guess. Just sharing what’s on my mind and heart, which is exactly what Rule #3 dictates:

Be authentic.

It’s absurd to believe that life should always be rainbows and butterflies. It’s equally absurd to only focus on one’s suffering. To be human is to be simultaneously broken and beautiful. To experience the depths of sorrow in one moment, and the expansion of love in the next. It’s the yin and the yang. The chaos and the order. A balance.

Now even though I know it’s all a balancing act, that’s just head knowledge. Theory. Experiencing balance firsthand is a process. You need to study yourself and discover what keeps you balanced. But the only way to figure that out is if you fail. It’s rather paradoxical, right? That the only way to fine-tune balance is in the moments when we’re off balance.

I guess one of the questions I’m constantly seeking to answer is

“How do I find balance?”

Even in the last post, the point I was eventually going to get to is that you need to balance out the good emotions with the bad emotions. You need to welcome them both into your home with a cup of tea and a smile.

That’s why my tagline to this website is “discipline. surrender. play.” This was inspired by an image I saw online, a venn diagram with one circle as discipline, the other surrender, and in the space where they overlap you get flow. I use the word play because it resonates more with me. That in-between place is where the magic is. It’s creation. It’s co-creating with the universe.

“How do I find balance?”

By trial and error. By failing forward. By studying yourself as if you were not yourself. By asking questions. By seeking out the wisdom of others. By… constantly learning. Become the eternal student. Find balance through learning. Sounds like common sense, but common sense isn’t always common practice.

Like I said, stream of consciousness! Really what I wanted to say is that I’m starting to feel better. I had a couple of rough weeks. Nothing terribly wrong, just not on my A-game. And what I’m beginning to realize is that that is completely normal. It’s to be expected even. You can’t always be on top of the world. Some days you’re just gonna be down in the dumps, and maybe even for a string of days or weeks or longer. But if we know that after some good days, bad days will come, we can be a little more gentle with ourselves when they get here. We can be lazy without judgement, we can take care of ourselves, and we can move through them feels instead of resisting them.

I’ll try to keep this in mind next time.

With LOVE,

Q. (11:11 pm)

Authentic August – Day 5

Generally speaking, I’m a positive person. An optimist. I always seem to find the silver lining. My glass is usually half full. But left unchecked, my proclivity for positive thinking can go a bit overboard. Rather than uncomfortably sitting with a negative emotion, even if that emotion is entirely called for, I’d rather put on my handy-dandy, rose-colored glasses and pretend like everything is just perfectly hunky-dory. Just take a peek at my self-talk:

“Well at least I’m alive!”

“It could be worse!”

“I have so much to be grateful for, so I shouldn’t feel badly about this! Or about anything else for that matter!!”

Look, a good attitude is a good thing, and it can be developed with practice. But if I’ve learned anything from Pixar, it’s that negative emotion which is expressed in a healthy way, is also a good thing. And this skill also can be developed with practice. So I need not deny my disappointment. I need not shy away from my sadness. I need only to seek out and practice healthier ways to deal with emotional distress. Throwing on my rose-tinted shades has served me well up to now, but it is the strategy I conjured up in my childhood, and since I’m no longer a kid (despite my best efforts), I am due for an update.

But before I brainstorm better ways to deal with those “big feelings”, I wanted to give my best guess as to why negative emotions are difficult for me in the first place. I know that they’re difficult for everyone, but I have a particularly hard time even recognizing/accepting when I’m feeling bad, sad, or mad. So here’s my take on why that’s the case.

Back when I was a wee lad…

Obviously overgeneralizations are unfair to make due to the lack of nuance, but based on what I’ve heard from friends, and based on my own experience, here’s an overgeneralization I’ll make given the limited evidence I do have:

Asian-immigrant families are not so emotionally vulnerable.

I’m a first-gen Filipino-American, and both my parents were born and raised in the Philippines. And both of them come from old-school Filipino families. And what that means is we don’t spend that much time talking about our feelings. Even if they’re good, and especially if they’re bad.

I won’t dive deep into an analysis of the Filipino psyche, but I will say that we are a very proud people. And sometimes when you’re proud, it’s tough to be vulnerable. And in the rare instance that you do share yourself vulnerably, some might say you’re weak. Or maybe some other not-so-nice Tagalog words.

On the flip side, we’re also a very happy people! Even our country’s tagline is “It’s More Fun in the Philippines!” And I’ve experienced firsthand during my visits “back home” just how much joy Filipino people can generate, despite only having the essentials.

And largely, that was the dominant emotion I experienced in my household growing up. Joy. Happiness. And Love. And I will be forever grateful for that.

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I will continue this post tomorrow! I’ve met my 500 words. And it’s just about bed time.

With LOVE,

Q.

Authentic August – Day 4

Rule #2 of Authentic August is to publish my daily blog post before midnight. It’s currently 10:57pm.

So I have roughly an hour to write 500 words (rule #1), so we’ll see how this goes! The previous 3 days’ posts all took longer than an hour, but perhaps there was a bit of Parkinson’s Law at play…

Parkinson’s Law states that “work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

In other words, if you have a project due in a week, it’ll take the whole week to finish that project. But as any master procrastinator like myself knows, that same project can be completed in 24 hours.

So because in the last three days I was not on a time crunch, the posts took longer than an hour to write. To be sure, they are probably a bit more well thought out than this post will be, but that’s kind of the point of this daily practice: to share my unpolished thoughts, to just be authentic, however imperfect that may be.

Cheers to Authenticity!

Speaking of being more authentic, part of why I’m writing this post so last minute is because just minutes before I began typing, I had uploaded my latest YouTube video – BE MORE AUTHENTIC: Choosing authenticiy over “growth hacks” on YouTube. This video was actually recorded before I started this blog, so technically this blog is an echo to the video. I’m just expressing how I want to focus more on authenticity instead of achievement. Actually, I was speaking to a friend yesterday, and strangely we’ve both been feeling this desire for more authenticity. As we were sharing stories, I said this:

“I want the success that comes from authenticity.”

Because whatever God/the Universe has in store for me is far grander than any dream life I could imagine on my own. But accessing this grander vision is only possible when we step into who we really are, when we live authentically. And that’s why I’m sharing myself as unfiltered as possible. Because you never know what doors will open just by being you.

Plus, don’t we deserve to discover who we are deep down? Wouldn’t it be amazing to meet your best self? That can’t happen if you’re always trying to be someone else. True transformation is borne of true acceptance. Self-acceptance.

So again, I want the success that comes from self-acceptance, from authenticity, from vulnerability. I want actual connection. I want to feel. If an experience is painful, can I really lean into it even though it may be unbearable? If an experience is pleasurable, can I really savor it? Can I stay present to the moment and not stolen away by my mind?

Because external markers of success – money, status, recognition – are all meaningless without the ability to experience. To actually feel alive.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve gone off on a tangent! And I hope you feel alive. Or at least… I hope you feel life tapping you on the shoulder, whispering in your ear that,

“There’s more for you on the other side of your fear.”

With LOVE,

Q.

11:52 pm 😄

Authentic August – Day 3

Do you CREATE yourself?

Or

Do you DISCOVER who you are?

Back in college I studied psychology and we always seemed to spend the first lecture, regardless of what class it was, answering the question…

NATURE vs. NURTURE?

Is our personality determined by our NATURE: our genetics and our DNA? Or is it determined by NURTURE: our upbringing, our environment, our choices?

And in that first lecture, regardless of what class it was, this was always the answer to that question: It’s BOTH.

So the “nature vs. nurture” discussion in that first lecture, regardless of what class is was, functioned more as a disclaimer. An acknowledgement, if you will. As if they were saying, “Yeah, we know the answer is BOTH, but in this class we’re going to study why it’s mostly NATURE!” Or, “In this class we’re going to study why it’s mostly NURTURE!”

So with that disclaimer at the forefront, let’s return to the opening question:

Do you CREATE yourself?

Or

Do you DISCOVER who you are?

I’ve been battling with this question for years now, and like many other ongoing battles of mine, it just finds a cozy home in the back of my mind, until some existential flare up brings it back front and center. And now that it is front and center, now that I am thinking about it, I recognize the answer is the same as the disclaimer in my psychology classes: both. But now I’m wrestling with the percentages: What percentage is creating who you are and what percentage is discovering who you are?

I think the major obstacle for me is that, if left to my own devices, I would try to create a version of myself who only seeks pleasure and excitement, and riches and fame. And I spent the better part of the last decade living a rather hedonistic lifestyle, chasing whatever shiny object that promised me the most immediate gratification.

(Just as a brief aside: obviously that’s an oversimplification of the last decade of my life. I did grow immensely, and I went through experiences that will forever shape how I move through the world.)

But I guess what I’m trying to figure out is the balance between discovery and creation. Do I get to pick who I become? Or rather, do I find myself?

Now I’m a self-help junkie, and I’m constantly hearing messages that say “you create your own destiny…”

that “you can manifest the life of your dreams…”

that “the law of attraction works if you just follow these 3 simple steps…”

Truth be told, I actually do believe those messages. I do think that we, at the level of the individual, are capable of more than we give ourselves credit for. It’s a matter of accepting responsibility for our lives, which then unlocks the creative power within.

So yes, while I do think we can choose who we become, if we aren’t invested in the process of discovering who we really are deep down, we may end up choosing a life that, in reality isn’t meant for us.

In other words, I do think you can use the law of attraction to manifest a life full of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, or whatever your “dream life” might be, but I think if you never take the time to try and discover yourself, to find yourself, then that “dream life” will ultimately be meaningless.

Do I want to curate a spectacular, experience-laden existence for myself? Of course! But I want to do so AUTHENTICALLY. By aligning myself with whatever instructions were written on my heart just before I was conceived.

Thanks for reading.

With LOVE,

Q

Authentic August – Day 2

Yesterday I mentioned that blogging is a more feasible daily practice than vlogging, what with work and all, but it’s also less scary. Less vulnerable. Because like, who even reads anymore? We like video content! And shorter and shorter content to boot. Our attention span shrunk from YouTube to Instagram to TikTok.

So this blog feels like training wheels for my blossoming authenticity. I would like to share my story more openly, but telling my story to a camera is way more intense than typing it out on a blank screen.

“But Q,” I hear you say, “isn’t the whole point of ‘Authentic August’ to live like you were dying, as Tim McGraw sang about? To be more authentic? Aren’t you supposed to drop your fears and just be you? Hate to say it man, but it sounds like you’re hiding behind the blog…”

You caught me! Yes, this does kinda fly in the face of being more authentic, but I’ve got a simple fix for that: read the blog out loud over on my Youtube channel! So whenever I publish these posts, I’ll be hopping on YouTube Live to host a short read-along, if you will. Making full-blown vlogs takes a lot of time and my perfectionism doubles that. Just because I made a video about my perfectionism, it doesn’t mean that it just suddenly surrendered to my better intentions; we are still waging war.

So in a way, I suppose these daily blogs/live read-alongs function both as a temporary antidote to my perfectionistic tendencies, as well as training wheels for my authentic self. I get to practice expressing the unpolished ruminations of my creative yet precarious mind, and hopefully in doing so, I learn to give less fucks.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson

Speaking of giving less of an F, I just finished the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, and it was rather spectacular. I’m going to reread it again soon because I took a long break in the middle of it, plus I’d like to internalize the lessons fully since a lot of them resonated so deeply. Heck, some parts even read a bit more like an auto-biography than a self-help book. Take this for example:

“Along with the entitlement of my early twenties, the “real traumatic shit” of my teenage years had left me with a nice bundle of commitment issues. I had spent the past few years overcompensating for the inadequacy and social anxiety of my teenager years, and as a result I felt like I could meet anybody I wanted, be friends with anybody I wanted, love anybody I wanted, have sex with anybody I wanted – so why would I ever commit to a single person, or even a single social group, a single city or country or culture? If I could experience everything equally, then I should experience them all equally, right?”

I could not have said it better myself even if I tried. If you know me, that excerpt is probably hilarious to you lol. Anyway, back to the first paragraph of this section – speaking of giving less of an F, I just finished the book, I’m gonna read it again, because ultimately the journey of becoming more authentic is the journey of giving less fucks. Part of why we put our masks on is because COVID is not a hoax (sorry, had to!) – it’s because we care about what other people think. Our parents, our boss, our friends, our significant other, even the guy we just met while waiting at the train station. We care a lot about what other people think. And we especially care if we are perfectionists.

I care so much that I had to think twice about cussing in this post. I don’t cuss at home, or around my family, but I do cuss. Cussing is not morally incorrect (we can debate that if you’d like) and it’s part of the way I chat with my friends. It’s just another tool in my lexicon toolkit. So you see, I censor myself with even with something as simple as the words I use. And if I’m censoring my words, you can be certain that I’m also censoring the substance of what I’m saying. The content. And all because I care way too much about what you think of me.

But I’m almost 28 and I’ve gotta learn how to ride this bike eventually, so I’m screwing in these training wheels, I’m opening up, I’m trusting that in the process of loving myself for who I really am, I’ll eventually need your approval less and less, and I’ll attract the people, places, and things that are actually meant for me.

Thanks for reading.

With LOVE,

Q

Hello world. My name is Christian Quiwa; feel free to call me “Q”. And I am going to write a blog post every day this month. I’m in a bit of a creative slump, so I thought this might be a good way to “prime the pump,” so to speak. At first I had in mind to create a daily vlog, but decided against it because it’s rather time-consuming. Plus, I can type with abandon at work during my downtime, so here we are.

In addition to priming the pump, I imagine writing every day will bring about other benefits, but presently, I will make no predictions about what those may be, because I’d like for once to not overthink something. So write I will, and read you may!

Besides actually writing every single day for this month of August, I’ve only got 3 rules for myself:

1. Write at least 500 words.
2. Publish before midnight.
3. Be authentic.

You may have noticed the title reads “Authentic August.” Well, I’m a sucker for alliteration, so there’s that. But more importantly, as of late, I’ve been contemplating death. Specifically, my eventual death. And should you also engage in this pleasant pastime, you may perhaps encounter a delightful existential query or two. One such query for me that has left me shook, and I mean that endearingly, is the following:

“If I were to die in the next month or so, how would I live?”

AUTHENTICALLY.

But why was I “shook” from such a simple question with a very obvious answer? It’s because I realized I was/am not living as authentically as I can. Authenticity is vulnerability, and that shit is scary! And this is coming from someone who is already pretty open, honest, and blunt, but I’ve come to see that I’m still holding back. Maybe not so much from my friends, but definitely from my family, and extra definitely from myself.

I won’t comment just yet on the family stuff, but I will explain what it means to be more authentic with myself. Basically it means seeing myself for who I really am, and not for who I could be. It means genuine self-acceptance, and it means letting go of all the “should’s” that plague my mind: I should have a “real job” by now, I shouldn’t be living at home with my parents, I should know what I wanna be when I grow up. As they like to say in the self-help industry:

“Stop shoulding all over yourself!”

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I remember during my TED Talk phase several years ago I stumbled across this one in particular that has stuck with me ever since. The speaker is this young kid named Logan, 13 years old, and he talks about “hackschooling,” or education fueled by your actual interests. I’ll let you watch it for yourself if you’re interested, but the most memorable part for me is when he tells of the annoying question adults like to ask:

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Then he gives the bulk of his speech and then ends the TED Talk by finally answering that question. Apparently I remembered his answer incorrectly, but I’ll provide my paraphrased version here anyway:

“I don’t know what I wanna be when I grow up, but I do know that I wanna be HAPPY and HEALTHY.”

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I just want to be HAPPY and HEALTHY, and eventually HELP others do the same. But I won’t be happy or healthy, and I won’t be able to help others if I don’t learn to love myself first. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I just want to express myself, my thoughts, my ideas, my crazy beliefs, without fear of rejection or ridicule. I’m done relying on others to make me feel worthy, or loved, or validated. Sure that stuff feels good, but it isn’t sustainable. I need to be able to do that for myself.

Thanks for reading. I’m learning how to just be me, and if that’s interesting or entertaining to you, come back for more tomorrow.

With LOVE,

Q.