Authentic August – Day 14
Yesterday I talked about the difference between knowing something in theory and actually experiencing that thing. I gave the example of knowing that your family loves you vs. actually experiencing that love on a visceral level.
Today I’m going to talk about this same idea, but as it pertains to worthiness. The sense that “I am enough.”
I know (at least I do in my head) that I am enough. It’s a spiritual principle that I vibe with. That by virtue of being human, by virtue of being a child of God/TheUniverse, I am enough just because I exist. And that’s awesome! But I don’t always behave like this is true…
Based on my thoughts, actions, and behaviors, it would seem that I believe that I am NOT enough. It would seem that I believe that I am NOT worthy of love. That I do NOT believe that in and of myself, I am deserving. There’s a running theme in my life of trying to get people to like me – to validate that I’m lovable – because I haven’t yet done the work to truly love myself.
And this has proved to be very useful actually! Turns out that when you feel like you are not lovable you do everything in your power to get people to love you. So I’ve developed a likable personality. I hardly have any enemies. I am charismatic and charming and easy-going. My people skills are probably my strongest skills. So from a social perspective, I’ve done alright for myself.
But it gets out of hand sometimes! I end up being a people pleaser. I shapeshift into whatever people want or need me to be; a chameleon. I usually tend to others’ needs before my own. I engage in “friend hopping” which gets tiring and superficial at times. And the worst issue of them all: I’m always on the lookout for a new romantic relationship! Because what better way to prove to yourself that you’re lovable than to get somebody – anybody – to fall in love with you.
It’s all backwards. And I have so much to unpack here that it’s going to take more than today’s 500 words to cover. But I at least wanted to introduce this topic. Out of all of my interests and projects, this is the one thing I would love to finally master: loving myself for who I am.
And it’s not that I hate myself. Not at all. I do like myself. But I just don’t feel like I’m enough. I don’t feel like I measure up. And the ramifications of this are far-reaching.
So it’s a long journey ahead. I don’t expect this will be solved in one go. I’ve been on this journey for a while now, but I’m finally putting my full focus into this because it’s about time. No more distractions. Just prioritizing my self-care. Just learning to love myself. Because if I can’t give myself love, can I really give it to others?
With LOVE,
Q.