Authentic August – Day 27 (21 days ’til 28)
Yesterday I opened up about my ongoing struggle with romance. How since puberty I’ve been stuck in a perpetual chase for “the one.” How I can’t seem to commit to any one person because I keep imagining that someone else out there is going to be without flaw and just utterly perfect. How my interpersonal skills may in part actually stem from my deepest fear of being unworthy of love, so I’ve developed a likeable personality so that I can feel validated when others do like me.
I didn’t choose to be like this – it’s a nature vs. nurture thing – but I have been aware of this pattern for quite some time now, and I’m finally ready to do something about it. And actually that’s why Ashley and I broke up. I realized how much inner work I still needed to do; as I mentioned yesterday, I needed to “find myself.” And basically what that means is what I’ve been talking about throughout Authentic August: that I need to love myself. Fully and completely. Even though I’m broken. Even though I’m imperfect. I need to learn to accept and love myself in all my flawed glory.
Because I have yet to consistently do the inner work to accept and love myself (I was actually doing well from March to June!) I often revert back to my Ego, and I end up projecting my non-acceptance and conditional love onto others. The reason I can’t seem to accept my partners – and even my friends and family sometimes – for who they truly are, is because I haven’t accepted myself for who I am. My obsession with personal development and self-help is due in part to this limiting belief that I am not enough. So I erroneously think that if I can just develop to a certain point, a point near perfect, then I’ll finally feel like I’m enough. But that’s backwards. True growth starts with accepting who we are, not resisting who we are. I wrote a post a couple weeks back, Intro to Worthiness, where I discussed my desire to really go deep on this self-love stuff.
And Ashley’s return to my life is strengthening my resolve in this.
Without getting into all the crazy and embarrassing details, we basically started dating as each other’s rebound. We were oh so glaringly codependent people, so you can imagine the emotional rollercoaster we were embarking upon. When we ended, though I was the one who brought up that I needed to “find myself,” we both acknowledged that we each had some work to do. And after talking to her over the past couple days it’s abundantly clear to me that she’s been hard at work! And it’s truly inspiring.
Her text was unexpected because we agreed to a radio silence. An intentional break from one another so that we could better focus on our healing and self-love. We broke up in February, agreed not to talk until December, and here we are four months ahead of schedule. On the one hand, I’m really happy we’re talking again! Like… really happy 🙂
On the other hand, I wish I had spent as much time loving myself as she has. Don’t get me wrong… this is the healthiest I’ve ever been: my habits are aligned, my finances are good, my creative output is unbelievable, but as I mentioned two days ago, my inner game could use some work. My “hard work” listed above was driven by a need to “catch up” or “be more.” The inner game will help me see that I’m already enough!
Check back in tomorrow for more thoughts on my current state of affairs, further background on the relationship, including lessons learned and learning.
With LOVE,
Q.