Authentic August – Day 26 (22 days ’til 28)
Thus far we haven’t explicitly covered what is perhaps the most challenging ongoing issues of my life: romantic relationships. But today is the day we get into it! And why? Because…
My ex-girlfriend contacted me a couple days ago lol… So let’s sort this thing out shall we! (Just a heads up, this will probably be a two- or three-parter! There’s a lot to unpack here.)
So we broke up back in February because I needed to “find myself.” This wasn’t the first time I’ve given this reason while breaking up with someone, but it is the first time I was prepared to follow through and actually do the work to “find myself,” and I’ll explain what that means for me later.
You see, I’ve been perpetually involved with a romantic partner since 5th grade! Back then I blamed it on my hopeless romanticism, which I think partially stems from all the dramtically romantic and grandiose Filipino love songs I listened to. Plus I think Filipino culture has an obsession with the idea of “true love,” at least that was my perspective as a Filipino-American kid growing up in the 90’s. (Not sure if we’re still obsessed with it, but I’d guess that we still are lol.) Basically, I was girl crazy and I was always on the lookout for “the one.”
Though the following is a bit of an oversimplification, these were the typical steps in the cycle…
Step 1: Find a cute girl that I “like-like.”
Step 2: Commence “the chase” and get her to like or even fall for me.
Step 3: Succeed and date for a while.
[Step 3B: In the (common) event that the girl denied my courtship, it didn’t matter. If anything that made it more exciting, so I’d double down and pull out all the stops to get her to like me. And this just made life miserable for the both of us. Nuts!]
Step 4: Eventually get bored because the chase is over.
Step 5: Start looking for “the one” elsewhere, even if I was still with the first girl. In fact, it wasn’t uncommon for me to have multiple crushes at once, and have them crush on me back.
Step 6: Rinse and repeat!
Definitely NOT the best strategy!!
Now that I’m older and I’ve done some investigative work on why I am the way that I am, I’ve come to realize that my deepest fear is of being unwanted, and of being unworthy of love. (For further reading on this, check out Type 2 of the Ennegram; I’m without a doubt the “Helper.”) So my Ego’s strategy to guard against this fear is to accrue as much “love” from other people. From friends, from family, from strangers, but especially from a romantic partner. That’s why I’m such a “people person” – because I’m such a people pleaser. Somewhere along the way I came to believe that in order to receive love, I needed to do things for other people to get it. And I guess I feel compelled to collect as much “love” as possible to prove to myself I’m worthy of it.
Another LOSING strategy! I’m on a roll…
And that’s where we’ll leave it for today! Tune in tomorrow to hear more about what’s going on with my ex, and to hear me think out loud about better strategies moving forward.
With LOVE,
Q.