“Hello there! My name is Christian Quiwa and someday, I’ll escape the 9-5, travel the world, and make money online doing the things that I love!”
Oh, the sounds of a broken record!
I kid, of course, but the self-deprecating humor is nonetheless appropriate. You see, for the better part of a decade, I’ve dreamed of living the “good life” of a content creator, but seldom have I made the necessary effort to make good on this dream. At least, not on a consistent basis. Fortunately (and stubbornly), the dream is still alive and I will resume my attempt at turning it into a reality! No matter how many starts and stops I’ve had, no matter how many abandoned projects might lie in my creative graveyard, I will keep trying until I’ve cracked the code of how to be a successful content creator. After all, “the only real failure is giving up.”
So if you’re here for the first time, welcome! And if you’ve read my blogs, watched my videos, or listened to my music before, welcome back! Also, I’m sorry… I’m sorry for the lack of consistency, but I thank you for your continued patience and support.
Anyway, thanks very much for reading! It feels good to write again and it feels good to take action on my dreams. If you enjoyed reading this and you’d like to continue following my creative journey, I’ll have a new blog here for you every Monday. I’ll share what I’m learning/doing to “make it” as a content creator, but perhaps more importantly, I will also share what I’m learning/doing to make a good and meaningful life. But more on that next time!
There are roughly nine weeks left in 2020 and if you haven’t yet, now would be a good time to make good on those new year’s resolutions! My resolution for the year – and probably every year for as long as I live – will be to live a happier and healthier life. Happy and Healthy: that’s my definition of success. Of course it isn’t always easy to keep this in mind, and often I’m distracted by the pleasures society dangles before me: money, fame, women, riches… but when I’m able to see clearly, when I’m able to sit still and just be, I understand with the deepest part within me that it’s the simple things that matter. Simple things like loving myself, my friends, and my family. Pursuing my interests for curiosity’s sake. Helping others whenever I can. And being liberal with my laughter.
If I’m lucky, I’ll have a solid 80 more years to master simple living. So to start – or to restart, rather – I’m spending the rest of 2020 developing three habits that are important for me (and probably for everyone) to live a happier and healthier life: reading, meditating, and exercise. Now the usual advice is to only work on developing one habit at a time, but I’m comfortable tackling these three simultaneously because I’ve already established all of these habits at some point in my life, even as recently as this past summer. Towards the tail end of the summer, however, I went through a bout of existential angst, which is nothing new for me, but it means I let go of my discipline for a short while. Now I’m back and ready to bring some order to the chaos, and I’ll be doing so with the help of The Tamed Course, a video course focused on teaching you how to effectively build up better habits, and to let go of your not-so-good ones. This course was created by the YouTuber, Improvement Pill, and he generates a lot of personal development type content for his channel, so check him out if that’s your jam. It’s certainly my jam, and I’ve been inspired by his work and hope to produce similar content over the course of my own creative career.
The course is made up of 13 videos and I’m about halfway through. They say the best way to learn is to teach, as such, for the rest of the year I’ll be sharing any key insights I’m learning, as well as my overall experience and progress with developing these habits. Yes, I understand the critique that I’m simply parroting information, but I think good information should be disseminated anyway, and I think I have access to a different audience than Improvement Pill does. Plus, I’m not just sharing the same info, I’ll be sharing how that info is influencing my life. Since this blog series will mostly consist of any “a-ha! moments” I’m having, I recommend you watch the videos for yourself if you’d like to learn the material in a step-by-step fashion. Also, if you do choose to go through the course, please let me know in the comments; perhaps we can support each other in some way!
I actually started implementing lessons from The Tamed Course last Sunday, so it’s been a full week of execution, and so far everything has been running smoothly. I’m proud to say that for the last nine days, I’ve performed my “Keystone Routine” successfully. In future posts, I’ll share what my “Keystone Routine” is, as well as discuss concepts I’ve learned like automaticity, the low/high bar method, what the word “keystone” means in the first place, and more.
And I think I’ll end it there for now! If you have any questions or comments, please leave them below. Thank you for reading. I hope you have a stellar week. Sending you all the good vibes and love.
Here’s Parts I, II, and III! And truth be told, I’m a bit hesitant to write Part IV, but it’s WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT!
Lol jk. I have no idea what the people want. BUT! I figure I should try to bring this series to some sort of a close. So here’s what’s happening:
I’m learning about the wondrous power of commitment.
I already sort of touched on this topic in the The Power of Consistency but it’s been a trip to see how it’s affected my relationship with Ashley. But let’s back up a bit.
If you’re all caught up from I, II, and III, then you know that Ashley and I conducted an extremely codependent relationship, and that was a major reason why we broke up / went on a break. The whole idea of the “break” was to spend some time trying find ourselves, to learn how to be independent, or at least start to learn, then reconvene and see if we were still interested in exploring a romantic relationship with each other.
And honestly… I thought I knew that it was truly over. I thought I knew that I wanted to live in a new city and date around some more. I thought I knew that I wanted to become a king and build my kingdom first, before seeking out my queen. But all of these predictions were made pre-COVID, pre- living at home, pre- Ashley finding her self-worth. And most importantly, pre- learning just how transformative my commitments to myself have turned out to be.
With the intent to “find myself” at the beginning of the break, I got to work on some key habits. I’ll spare you the details but basically I got super healthy! I meditated a bunch, I started writing songs again, I got my finances in order, and perhaps most impressively, I abided by the rules of Whole 30 for a full four months! That means I didn’t consume any added sugar, no alcohol, no weed, no bread, no rice, no dairy, no sweets; just eating whole, healthy foods. For four months!
This is big for me! Especially in terms of sobriety. I wasn’t a drunk or a stoner per se, but for the last seven years I was probably drunk or high every single week. And I’m not ashamed of that; I lived around and often hung out with my friends, and we just liked to party. Plus I was a goodie two shoes growing up, so I never broke the rules; I guess you could say I was catching up! But since moving home and sheltering-in-place, it’s actually been pretty smooth and sober.
With the consistent sobriety came clarity. With no relationship to think about, I was able to consider what I really wanted from life. And ultimately I’m open to however my life is going to unfold, but I do know that I want to be happy and healthy.
And one of the major shifts I experienced was getting financially healthy. I’ll write about this in more detail later, but suffice to say I got my spending under control and I set some long-term goals for my money. I made a two-year investment goal. And in order to reach that goal I need to stay committed. And one of the the sacrifices I need to make to achieve that goal is to live at home for THE NEXT TWO YEARS! At least! So I’ll be here until I’m 30! But that’s okay, because it’s aligned with my dream life.
But by actually making these commitments and sacrifices, I was unknowingly practicing the meta-skill of commitment. I was opening up to the idea of commitment, something I’ve always been afraid of. And now I’m more open to it in other contexts… like in relationships!
(This is more of a stream of consciousness/brainstorming post, FYI.)
I took a break from bullet journaling for the month of August, but I’m still undecided if I’m going to pick it back up just yet. I do miss the practice, but it can get a little time-consuming. Perhaps I can find some version that would serve as a sort of Minimum Effective Dose.
Needless to say I’m thinking about how best to go about this month. I’ve made some pretty hefty commitments to myself, and I’d like to see them through. At the same time, I don’t want to be pulled back into the “momentum” and “commotion” that comes when I overbook myself.
Those are the general umbrella categories I’d like to pay attention to. Again, I’m trying to simplify for this upcoming year of birth. So less is more! That is the name of the game right now.
Seems like this post is just remembering everything I wrote about in August lol. And I still have yet to reread those and do a proper reflection on them. I’ll be going on vacation next week, so I’ll carve out some dedicated time to review Authentic August.
I’m noticing that anxious feeling again. So I’d like to take a moment to remind myself that everything I’m trying to finish by the end of today… It can honestly all wait until tomorrow. Heck, it can even wait ’til the next day! So Christian… take a breath. You are okay. Even when you aren’t doing anything productive. You. Are. Okay. You’ve already done a lot for the day and you had work. So just relax. Say a little prayer. And do it again tomorrow! I love you.
Hello and welcome to Simply September! This will be a lot like Authentic August, with the following adjustments to the rules:
Write at least 250 words.
Publish at least 4 times a week.
Still be authentic.
Still sing one song everyday.
If you’ve been keeping up with the blog thus far, you know how much fulfillment I’ve gotten from writing here every single day, so I want to maintain some semblance of that. Thing is, September is a busy month for me, so I want to set realistic goals for myself. I know myself enough to know that I’d feel disappointed and guilty if I didn’t stick to say the daily writing goal, so this is my way of building slack into the system.
That said, I’m going to do my best to write every day anyway lol. Simply September is just a continuation of last month’s blog with the same focus on creativity, curiosity, and connection. And of course, as you can see in the tagline up on the left-hand corner of this page, the dominant, overarching question of this blog is
How do we strike a good balance between Discipline and Surrender and thus enter a state of Play (Flow)?
I chose the word “Simply” because it’s shorter than “Sincerely” and because I actually do like keeping things simple (despite what my over-analytical mind might say!). I’m on an ongoing quest for more simplicity – a semi-minimalist lifestyle, you could say – because I just can’t seem to focus when there’s too much clutter and when there’s too much going on.
So if you’re new here coming in on the winds of the new month, thanks for sticking around! I’m figuring out life one day at a time and sharing what I’m learning, because… what’s the alternative?
We’ve successfully completed Authentic August! If you click that link it’ll bring you to Day 1, and I just read it for the first time since starting this whole journey. And I’ve accomplished what I set out to do!
Besides writing every single day this month, I only had three rules:
Write 500 words.
Publish before midnight.
Be authentic.
I also ended up livestreaming myself reading the blog everyday, and then on Day 7, I added a 4th rule: “Sing one song every day,” which I then incorporated into the livestream as well.
I started this blog to get out of a creative slump and to move past my regularly scheduled existential crisis. And it worked! It then turned into a way for me to develop creativity and curiosity, and hopefully connect with people. And that’s why I want to continue doing it, but I think for September I’m going to pause for now…
By completing Authentic August, I was able to prove to myself that I could start and finish something creative every single day. But it can be a bit time-consuming. And as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I’m the Social Media Director of my friend’s company, Metanoia, and I’ve decided to finally step up as a leader in that role. I’ve been neglecting my responsibilities there, but now I’m committed to accept them fully. Unfortunately that means that I may not have the time to blog every single day. Here’s what I’m thinking:
If and only if I execute my daily responsibilities for Metanoia (posting on social, engagement, and furthering education), and I’ve attended to my other life responsibilities (family time, exercise, sleep, etc.), then I can write a blog the for day!
So if anything this blog is going to be my reward for putting in the work at my “job.” That’s how much I’ve enjoyed this process! It’s really transforming the way that I think about myself. I no longer believe that I’m the guy who always starts things and doesn’t ever finish them; now I’m the guy who’s blogged and livestreamed every single day for a month! And that’s why I really want to master my time management. If I can really get all my work done, and keep this daily, or almost-daily blog going, I can’t even imagine how much inner change I’ll experience by the end of the year. Not to mention hopefully becoming a better writer, and learning the ins-and-outs of running a blog.
So I guess I just want to cap off the month by saying that I’m proud of myself. If you’ve know me personally, commitment isn’t my strong suit, so this has been a huge gift. I haven’t yet looked back and read through all of the posts, but I think I’ll do that tonight and tomorrow morning, and then make a YouTube video sharing what I’ve learned from Authentic August. In fact, I’ll also write about it for a future blog post here.
For any of you who’ve been keeping up throughout the month, I appreciate you like crazy! It’s been fun sharing with you, especially during the livestreams. This isn’t goodbye, just a goodbye to August.
And hello to everything we get to create in September.
So if you haven’t read Part I or Part II, I suggest you do so to get all caught up! For today, we dive into Hopeless Romantic III and get into some more background story!
Since you’re all caught up now, you know that Ashley, my ex, texted me last week after six months of no communication. We broke up in February and we agreed to no communication until December, but she went with her gut and decided to reach out sooner than that.
Why did you guys break up?
I thought I needed to go out and “find myself.” There’s this analogy I always use: you can either be a prince and find your princess and you can build your kingdom together, or you can establish yourself as a king first, build your kingdom, and then attract a queen. In my younger days, I didn’t mind being a prince, but for the last several years or so, I wanted to go the king route.
We both knew that we were codependent and that our relationship was not the healthiest. I took this as a sign that I still needed to evolve from princehood to kingship, so I knew I didn’t really give the relationship my best effort. Plus I had already dated so many girls from Davis (where I went to school) that I thought it was about time I look elsewhere. And this speaks to another issue: I was operating under the impression that I would move to some new city with the smell of endless possibility in the air, live a dope life, make some dope music, and hook up with some dope chicks. Basically I still wanted to date around, and by the looks of it, Ashley was looking for a committed relationship. Not to mention she was moving to Vegas and I’m here in California so long distance didn’t sound too enticing either.
So we broke up.
But…
With a twist! Lol.
So when we were breaking up I actually became very confused as to whether or not it was the right decision. I knew I had (and still have) issues with accepting myself, and I also knew that that non-acceptance was projected onto my friends and family around me, but especially onto my romantic partners. So I kept going back and forth thinking that maybe this actually could work if I could just get my shit together. And her too actually; we both had some issues to work out. Basically, there was a lot of potential with us, but as they always say, “You can’t date potential.”
Anyway, I was confiding in a friend about my dilemma – someone who’s been happily married for the last six years – and he offered up the following idea: why don’t you guys just put each other on the shelf for now. Not in the trash can, and not in a treasure chest; just put this relationship on the shelf, and pick it up later at some agreed upon date and see how it feels. (He gave this advice because he and his wife did this when they were still dating.)
Well this made sense to me! The only kicker was that he also suggested that we shouldn’t date around in the meantime. But actually that made sense to me too since I had been a serial dater since sixth grade, so I thought this would be a good way to stop the cycle and take some dedicated time get to know and love myself.
I pitched the idea to Ash. She agreed. And we broke up.
(After telling a few friends of this arrangement, they all informed me that we didn’t actually break up. That really what this amounted to was an extremely long break. Call it what you will; but both of us thought we broke up.)
And then I guess you’ll have to tune in tomorrow to see how this is all playing out! I’m already over my 500 words for the day, and I have plenty story left to share. Thanks for reading or streaming with me!
I was working on the yard this morning with my Dad and I started updating him on the whole Ashley thing, which then led of course to a more general conversation about my life and what I want.
As you probably know by now that I can be a bit long-winded, but sometimes I gotta keep things short and sweet with my dad, so at one point my answer was:
“I just want to life a good life, take care of myself, and help people.”
And I think it really is that simple.
Sometimes all the strategic thinking and all the big dreaming pulls me away from the simplicity of what I want. Because there’s actually so much freedom in keeping things simple like this. Because so long as whatever project or role I’m in accomplishes those three things, then I know it’s worth my time.
I guess when I gave that answer I it dawned on me that it really is possible to just drop all the drama and surrender. To trust that God truly has my best interests at heart. That the Universe has big things in store for me, so long as I can keep taking care of myself and helping others.
On a similar note, as I was shoveling rocks into the wheelbarrow and then wheeling them over to where my Dad was working, I was thinking about how the projects and dreams I have are just like shoveling rocks: if I can just keep shoveling away, patiently and consistently, then eventually the work will get done. I’ve heard a similar analogy before. It’s something like if you keep spooning sand into the bucket, yes it may take some time, but eventually it will get filled.
So I’m saying all this because the more I focus on surrendering, the more I’m comforted by the idea of being patient. What’s meant for me is coming. I just need to put in the work. There’s no need for me to rush. Yes, it’s important to have deadlines and to establish routines and more generally to develop discipline. But I can drop a lot of my existential angst by trusting that everything really is going to turn out right.
Like, the other day my buddy and I were trippin’ over the fact that the world just functions regardless of what we as individuals do. WE HAVE SO LITTLE CONTROL. In the grand scheme of things that is. So why not just get hyper focused on the things that I do have control of
I do have control of how much I take care of myself.
I do have control of how much I serve others.
And equipped with the self-knowledge from the Enneagram, I know that a life of service for me will be extremely fulfilling. Honestly, this blog and my YouTube channel are just my personal passion projects right now, but ultimately my hope is that some of what I’m saying resonates with you. That it makes you see the world differently. And that it makes you see yourself differently. I just want to help.
But I can’t help anyone effectively without first taking care of myself. So I’m gonna stop worrying about society’s timelines for me, I’m getting my shit together, and I’m gonna live a good life, one full of joy and service.
If I ever get a tattoo, here’s a quote I’m considering:
“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”
With LOVE,
Q.
p.s. For anyone who was expecting Hopeless Romantic III… I’m still figuring out what I want to say because there’s new developments every day, and I don’t want to speak too soon. And this is why I wrote about what I wrote today, because it’s easy for me to get “caught up.” So I just needed to remind myself what I’m even doing here lol.
We’re going to pause today on the HopelessRomantic series because I just want to express my gratitude to The Universe/God. If you can’t tell from pretty much all of Authentic August, I’ve been experiencing this underlying sense of anxiety. Unrest. Tension. And I’ve really been seeking clarity in “Discipline” and peace in “Surrender.”
And over the past week things have started to fall into place; things are beginning to clear up. And it all culminated with a conversation with God/The Universe/”That Which Sustains” yesterday after work…
I clocked out. I turned the car on. Hit the A/C button. And before I called my buddy on the phone, before I placed the car in drive, before anything, I just felt like talking to God. So I sat there and prayed. It went a little something like this:
“Hey God! I know it’s been a minute… and you know I’m not a fan of the word God because of all the baggage it holds for me, but… I figure it’s time to talk. I want to surrender my life to you. I know I can’t make sense of how or why this works (prayer), and I won’t try to figure it out; all I know is that I trust that it does. So I’m asking for your guidance. Because whatever you have in store for me is grander than any vision I could have dreamed up on my own. Plus, the dreams that have been planted in my heart were placed there by you anyway, so it’s not like you would steer me in a direction that wasn’t either good for me, or that I wouldn’t like eventually. You have my best interest at heart. And even if it isn’t how I think it should go, I’ve always wanted to grow as a tree does, and trees grow naturally, as you created them to. So I want to do that which you’ve created me to do. I want to surrender to whatever you have in store for me. I’m tired of feeling anxious. I’m tired of ignoring my spiritual side. I want peace. I want to be better. I want to understand that I am worthy. So I’m letting go and I’m letting God/The Universe/”That Which Sustains”… Do your thing. Amen.”
Immediately I felt lighter! What a trip, huh?! And I laughed, and I felt good, and I was just happy. After all my scrambling and thinking over the past few weeks, it was nice to just lay it down before a Power greater than I. I’m a spiritual person. I always have been. So it’s super important for me to keep spirituality and connection to Source at the forefront of my life. It’s just that I forget this every once in a while. But it’s cool, because I can always pick up where we left off and I’m overwhelmingly grateful for that. That no matter where I run off to, no matter how long I hide, whenever I’m ready to come back home, I’m greeted with a welcoming embrace. Thanks for reading.
Yesterday I opened up about my ongoing struggle with romance. How since puberty I’ve been stuck in a perpetual chase for “the one.” How I can’t seem to commit to any one person because I keep imagining that someone else out there is going to be without flaw and just utterly perfect. How my interpersonal skills may in part actually stem from my deepest fear of being unworthy of love, so I’ve developed a likeable personality so that I can feel validated when others do like me.
I didn’t choose to be like this – it’s a nature vs. nurture thing – but I have been aware of this pattern for quite some time now, and I’m finally ready to do something about it. And actually that’s why Ashley and I broke up. I realized how much inner work I still needed to do; as I mentioned yesterday, I needed to “find myself.” And basically what that means is what I’ve been talking about throughout Authentic August: that I need to love myself. Fully and completely. Even though I’m broken. Even though I’m imperfect. I need to learn to accept and love myself in all my flawed glory.
Because I have yet to consistently do the inner work to accept and love myself (I was actually doing well from March to June!) I often revert back to my Ego, and I end up projecting my non-acceptance and conditional love onto others. The reason I can’t seem to accept my partners – and even my friends and family sometimes – for who they truly are, is because I haven’t accepted myself for who I am. My obsession with personal development and self-help is due in part to this limiting belief that I am not enough. So I erroneously think that if I can just develop to a certain point, a point near perfect, then I’ll finally feel like I’m enough. But that’s backwards. True growth starts with accepting who we are, not resisting who we are. I wrote a post a couple weeks back, Intro to Worthiness, where I discussed my desire to really go deep on this self-love stuff.
And Ashley’s return to my life is strengthening my resolve in this.
Without getting into all the crazy and embarrassing details, we basically started dating as each other’s rebound. We were oh so glaringly codependent people, so you can imagine the emotional rollercoaster we were embarking upon. When we ended, though I was the one who brought up that I needed to “find myself,” we both acknowledged that we each had some work to do. And after talking to her over the past couple days it’s abundantly clear to me that she’s been hard at work! And it’s truly inspiring.
Her text was unexpected because we agreed to a radio silence. An intentional break from one another so that we could better focus on our healing and self-love. We broke up in February, agreed not to talk until December, and here we are four months ahead of schedule. On the one hand, I’m really happy we’re talking again! Like… really happy 🙂
On the other hand, I wish I had spent as much time loving myself as she has. Don’t get me wrong… this is the healthiest I’ve ever been: my habits are aligned, my finances are good, my creative output is unbelievable, but as I mentioned two days ago, my inner game could use some work. My “hard work” listed above was driven by a need to “catch up” or “be more.” The inner game will help me see that I’m already enough!
Check back in tomorrow for more thoughts on my current state of affairs, further background on the relationship, including lessons learned and learning.
