Hello world. My name is Christian Quiwa; feel free to call me “Q”. And I am going to write a blog post every day this month. I’m in a bit of a creative slump, so I thought this might be a good way to “prime the pump,” so to speak. At first I had in mind to create a daily vlog, but decided against it because it’s rather time-consuming. Plus, I can type with abandon at work during my downtime, so here we are.
In addition to priming the pump, I imagine writing every day will bring about other benefits, but presently, I will make no predictions about what those may be, because I’d like for once to not overthink something. So write I will, and read you may!
Besides actually writing every single day for this month of August, I’ve only got 3 rules for myself:
- Write at least 500 words.
- Publish before midnight.
- Be authentic.
You may have noticed the title reads “Authentic August.” Well, I’m a sucker for alliteration, so there’s that. But more importantly, as of late, I’ve been contemplating death. Specifically, my eventual death. And should you also engage in this pleasant pastime, you may perhaps encounter a delightful existential query or two. One such query for me that has left me shook, and I mean that endearingly, is the following:
“If I were to die in the next month or so, how would I live?”
AUTHENTICALLY.
But why was I “shook” from such a simple question with a very obvious answer? It’s because I realized I was/am not living as authentically as I can. Authenticity is vulnerability, and that shit is scary! And this is coming from someone who is already pretty open, honest, and blunt, but I’ve come to see that I’m still holding back. Maybe not so much from my friends, but definitely from my family, and extra definitely from myself.
I won’t comment just yet on the family stuff, but I will explain what it means to be more authentic with myself. Basically it means seeing myself for who I really am, and not for who I could be. It means genuine self-acceptance, and it means letting go of all the “should’s” that plague my mind: I should have a “real job” by now, I shouldn’t be living at home with my parents, I should know what I wanna be when I grow up. As they like to say in the self-help industry:
“Stop shoulding all over yourself!”
I remember during my TED Talk phase several years ago I stumbled across this one in particular that has stuck with me ever since. The speaker is this young kid named Logan, 13 years old, and he talks about “hackschooling,” or education fueled by your actual interests. I’ll let you watch it for yourself if you’re interested, but the most memorable part for me is when he tells of the annoying question adults like to ask:
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Then he gives the bulk of his speech and then ends the TED Talk by finally answering that question. Apparently I remembered his answer incorrectly, but I’ll provide my paraphrased version here anyway:
“I don’t know what I wanna be when I grow up, but I do know that I wanna be HAPPY and HEALTHY.”
I just want to be HAPPY and HEALTHY, and eventually HELP others do the same. But I won’t be happy or healthy, and I won’t be able to help others if I don’t learn to love myself first. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I just want to express myself, my thoughts, my ideas, my crazy beliefs, without fear of rejection or ridicule. I’m done relying on others to make me feel worthy, or loved, or validated. Sure that stuff feels good, but it isn’t sustainable. I need to be able to do that for myself.
Thanks for reading. I’m learning how to just be me, and if that’s interesting or entertaining to you, come back for more tomorrow.
With LOVE,
Q.