Month: August 2020

Authentic August – Day 11

(Yesterday it took me 1 hour and 45 minutes to completely publish and post the blog to all the appropriate channels; let’s see if we can shave off 15 minutes today!)

Human beings are the only species on Earth that has the blessing/curse of being self-aware. I know researchers are trying to figure out if certain higher intelligence animals are self-aware, but even if they are, they wouldn’t be on our level. So every other species on Earth gets to do what it was born to do, even the trees, but humans are stuck with the ability to ask existential questions; we have the opportunity to ask why.

Why am I here? Why do I exist? Who am I? What am I even supposed to be doing?

Growing up, the answer to these questions was simple and straightforward. My family is Christian, so the answer was always something like, “You’re here to accept Jesus into your life and to do God’s will.” And that was all fine and dandy for the first couple decades of my life, but after being exposed to new ideas and possibilities in college, I began a deeper search. I began seeking truth. Well… actually even when I was entrenched in the Christian tradition, I was a seeker of truth. Even then I would ask the tough questions and I was dissatisfied whenever someone responded with “God works in mysterious ways.” So I guess it’s in my nature; I’m just a truth-seeker!

My spiritual beliefs now are a hodgepodge of various traditions, including Christianity, and honestly I’m still seeking the truth, and I always will, because I don’t think I’ll ever get to know the Ultimate Truth. I don’t think the human mind is capable of understanding that which is beyond it. But it’s in the seeking that I find meaning. And it’s in the sharing what I’ve learned that I find purpose.

Wow. Those those last two sentences surprised me…

When I woke up today I wondered what I would write about, and at first I wanted to write about my struggle with discovering and doing that which is natural to me. Which is why I opened by talking about the special ability of self-awareness that we humans are blessed/cursed with. All other species do that which is natural to them. They don’t overthink it. They don’t ask themselves, “is this what I’m supposed to be doing?”

So I was going to discuss an analogy that I often use to express what I ultimately want out of life: I want to grow as a tree does; naturally. A tree doesn’t wonder if it should grow in this direction or the other. It doesn’t question if it’s growing too fast or too slow. A tree simply soaks in the sun, gives shade and oxygen to those nearby, and ceaselessly reaches for the heavens, even though she will never reach it. Imprinted in her DNA are the instructions she was meant to carry out. She does that which is in her nature to do.

So the two sentences above are surprising because I started writing just wanting to express that I’m not exactly sure why I’m here. That I didn’t know if I was growing naturally like the tree, even though that’s what I envision for myself. But I guess I do know why I’m here. And perhaps I’ve always known, but simply forgot. After all, isn’t life just a cycle of forgetting and remembering? And when you do remember, doesn’t it feel more profound than any remembering previous?

It’s in the seeking that I find meaning.

It’s in the sharing what I’ve learned that I find purpose.

With LOVE,

Q.

(total time = 95 minutes. Yay! Shaved off 10! Progress over perfection.)

Authentic August – Day 10

Moving forward I commit to completing these posts in 90 minutes or less. This includes the writing, finding the image above, editing it for a thumbnail, scheduling the YouTube live read-along, and announcing it on my Facebook. The actual live read-along, the last step in this sequence, will not be included in the 90 minutes. Without this time constraint I fool myself into thinking that I have all day to complete this, when in reality I have other responsibilities and projects I’d like to get to. Simple things like working out or hanging out with my brother, to more involved things like editing my vlogs or recording some music.

I think the 90 minute time limit will help me out a ton. First of all, it will help develop my focus. If I don’t want to write something that’s completely incoherent, I’ll need to minimize as many distractions as possible. This means no texting, no phone calls, no moving my piece after seeing the chess.com notification (my username is Maveriq if you wanna play!).

Secondly, over time I’ll get to see if my writing is improving. If I rush a post on one day, and the next I’m typing away for a whopping five hours, then I’d probably see a huge variability in quality. But if every time I’m only allotted 90 minutes, and I see that my writing is getting better (or worse!), then at least I’ll know it isn’t because of how much time I spent on it.

Third, this isn’t supposed to be about quality anyway! It’s about the daily practice of starting and finishing something creative. It’s about riding these random trains of thought on an inward journey to my authentic self. Unpolished and unfiltered, whatever comes up comes up, and we can flesh it out later.

Which brings me to the fourth and final benefit: I get to generate fodder for more fleshed out vlogs later! Because I’m not pressuring myself to write so high quality, I’m free to write the way I would in a journal, which is usually more raw, real, and authentic. And what I’m beginning to realize is that I can just repurpose these blogs into better quality, refined ideas for the vlogs on my YouTube channel. Seemingly unrelated blog posts might actually hide some underlying themes, and later I can weave these ideas together into some unified point for a vlog. Take for example, Rose-Colored Glasses part 1 and 2 – I’ll be developing that into video content for tomorrow’s video.

I may find that 90 minutes is unrealistic (I only have 20 minutes left!), but I do think it’s vital I start working within a time limit for these posts. Now that I seem to have gotten myself out of the creative/existential rut I was in – which is why I started Authentic August in the first place, to get out of that place – I need to reintroduce some of the structure I had before I fell into that funk. I was rocking all of my habits for a solid 3 to 4 months, and then it all kinda caved in! In hindsight, I think that last month of “super discipline” was meaningless. I found myself just going through the motions, so I know that getting back to that level isn’t the answer. The answer is probably somewhere between funk and frenzied. Somewhere between hard work and good rest. So here’s to creating a space that’s somewhere in between discipline and surrender…

With LOVE,

Q.

p.s. I only have 10 minutes left to complete everything else! I’ll report back what the final time ends up being: 1 hour, 45 minutes. Something to work on!

Authentic August – Day 9

continued from part 1…

The only issue though is that if you’re just a kid, and the only emotions that are modeled for you are the happy, feel-good ones, then you’ll grow up a bit confused when a “bad” feeling does come up. Maybe you wouldn’t even know how to describe it, let alone express it in a healthy way.

Emotional Vocabulary

For example, several years ago I was helping a friend move out of her apartment and there was a bunch of stuff in her room to pack up. Pillows, blankets, trinkets, clothes, all that. At one point she asked me to start packing up the duvet… I glanced around the room searching for something that might be called a “doovay” since I’d actually never heard that word before. Finally I just asked, “What’s a doovay?”

Little did I know that a duvet is a type of blanket! I didn’t know because it wasn’t part of my vocabulary; I never learned it. A limit or a gap in my knowledge was revealed in that moment. In the same way, we might have some limits or gaps in our emotional vocabulary. We may not know the name of the emotion, or we may not know how to express the emotion in a healthy way, just because no one ever taught or modeled that to us.

Something I’ll always come back to is this idea that people are just doing the best with what they know. So if my parents only wanted me to experience happy emotions and they wanted to try and minimize any sad emotions, well… I mean a) that makes sense, and b) thank you! But, they probably did that because it’s all that they knew growing up. “Be happy. Don’t be sad.” It’s well meaning, but it also limits our emotional vocabulary.

Also, I’m starting to see that this isn’t just an immigrant or Filipino thing, it’s a vulnerability thing. It’s about how emotionally vulnerable and expressive your family is, regardless of culture. That said, I do believe that culture influences a family’s level of vulnerability. I would guess that some cultures are more skilled at vulnerability than others, but I haven’t actually explored the research yet, so I could be wrong.

Expanding Our Vocabulary

So how can I improve my coping mechanisms? How can I let go of my rose-colored glasses? Even though they’ve served me well up to now, is there a strategy that will serve me better?

Well I touched on this a few days ago in my Balancing post, and I referenced Rumi’s poem, The Guest House, and I think that’s a good starting point for me. The Guest House is a very short poem, so if you can, please read it yourself, but basically it says to welcome every emotion “into your house” as you would a guest, even if it’s uncomfortable or downright depressing.

This personification of an emotion as a guest is excellent, because guests have names! So for me, I think the first step is to become familiar with my guests by knowing their names.

“Oh you’re Sadness! And, oh you’re Anger! Thanks for visiting me. What can I do for you? Or what can you do for me?”

Sometimes when we speak our truth or our experience out loud, that’s enough to alleviate some of the suffering. And when we name our emotions and welcome them in, we’re no longer resisting. Ultimately, we are accepting them. And surrendering. And being gentle and understanding of ourselves, the way we would with a friend. We should accept what we’re feeling, instead of resisting it, because as the saying goes, “what you resist persists.”

So the next time I’m feeling off, I’m going to explore the feeling. I’m going to try to get to know him or her. I’m going to accept it’s presence, knowing that it’s okay to feel, and I think in some way this is a means to accepting myself more fully. A way to be more authentic.

With LOVE,

Q.

Authentic August – Day 8

Another stream of consciousness post for tonight! No time for anything else as I’ve snuck away from the party downstairs. It was Lolo’s birthday this pastThursday and some family is over for the weekend to celebrate. Lolo turned 82! It’s an extra special birthday because he’s recently healed from cancer and he is still going strong, despite his constant asserting that he’s losing his mind lol. Actually, it isn’t that funny, but I’m just making light of the situation.

Family time feels more precious in the midst of quarantine. Earlier as Uncle Moses was praying for our lunch, my mind wandered to the word “love.” Despite my dissatisfaction with the lack of deep intimacy within my family, I cannot deny the love that binds us together. We may not talk about our feelings or overtly express our love for one another, but when I’m able to see clearly, the subtleties of our love are revealed.

It’s revealed in the meals cooked. The money given. The jokes made. The shots shared. The games played. The “Take Care’s.” The “Drive Safe’s.” The duets sang. The dances danced. The stories told. The laughs laughed. The movies watched. The pictures taken. And the prayers prayed. It’s revealed in all of the sacrifices they’ve made for the next generation – for me – to have a better life than they did.

But here’s the thing, I’m not always able to see this clearly. Sometimes I’m just focused on that lack of intimacy I mentioned. I just searched my email for the results of my 5 Love Languages quiz, and my top two are “Quality Time” and “Physical Touch.” Those don’t rank highly in the Quiwa family lol. We spend time together, but there’s usually a screen nearby in case things get too real haha. As for physical touch… the closest thing I get to a hug is usually a side hug! I think the Quiwa’s top love language is “Acts of Service,” because we do that very well, and I just need to keep that in mind. I just need to be grateful.

And I am grateful! I am blessed. My family is healthy and happy and we get along. But that won’t stop me from trying to bring more intimacy into the mix! If I know what my love languages are, then how can I gently incorporate them into our dynamic? How can I accept my family for who they are, while striving for the stronger bond that I’m longing for?

I think the first step for me is to recognize that it’s perfectly okay that I desire more intimacy. I should give myself permission to feel the way I feel. I should honor my needs. And I feel like I need a hug sometimes! Ha!

I think the second step is to not judge my family for their level of intimacy. Everyone is just doing the best with what they know. And being vulnerable is just a foreign concept to them. And that’s perfectly okay too!

This will be a lifelong process of meeting in the middle. Of understanding one another. And I’m thankful I even have the opportunity to try.

With LOVE,

Q.

Authentic August – Day 7

I just picked up my guitar and sang for the first time in about a month. That’s about when my descent into “not-so-good” days began. It feels so good to make music! And it’s funny that I forget that sometimes. In an effort to better remember this, I’ll share this quote and revisit it often:

“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions: ‘When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence?'”

–Gabrielle Roth

“When did you stop singing?”

Such a powerful question! The other three, of course, are equally powerful, but the singing question has a special resonance for me. I’m a singer. I grew up in a singing family. And I’ve been in singing groups for a very long time. This is actually the first year in eleven years that I’m not in some sort of singing group. Wild!

It makes sense that music is a special type of medicine for me. Just like it’s good for you to eat your veggies, I gotta remember that it’s good for me to sing my heart out! So I’m gonna add another rule to “Authentic August”, a rule that’s outside of the scope of the blog, but still relevant to creativity and being more authentic.

Rule #4: Sing one song every day.

Maybe in addition to reading the blog out loud over on YouTube live, I’ll sing a song! Nothing fancy. Maybe even a cappella. But just a little something to feed my soul.

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Growing up I had dreams of becoming a famous singer, like my idol Gary V. But over time I began comparing myself to others (and still do) and that discouraged me from “going for it” (and sometimes it still does). So I dropped that dream for a bit, I left it on the shelf to collect dust. Then I started piling other things on top of it: college, friends, a quarter-life crisis, adulting… Eventually it was buried under a heap of living life.

But I suppose the dreams that are planted in our hearts never go away. And now with the beauty of the internet, the dreams of an artist have never been more possible. I don’t need to be famous. But I do need to sing my songs. I recognize that God has given me the gift of song, and I say that as humbly as I can. And when you’re given a gift, it’s meant to be shared. It’s meant to be taken care of. It’s meant to bring light and love into the world.

So I’m going for it! My dream life is a life of connection. Of sharing my heart and my song and surrendering to what the universe has in store for me. Like I said, I don’t need fame or money, but I would love if my music could be my ticket around the world.

I’ll end with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books, The Alchemist:

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

–Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

With LOVE,

Q.

Authentic August – Day 6

Another late night entry. It’s 9:55 pm. I was originally going to continue yesterday’s post, but I’ll postpone that for later this week when I can give that the proper attention it deserves.

For tonight I’ll just type and see where my fingers take me! Stream of consciousness style. More of a journal entry, I guess. Just sharing what’s on my mind and heart, which is exactly what Rule #3 dictates:

Be authentic.

It’s absurd to believe that life should always be rainbows and butterflies. It’s equally absurd to only focus on one’s suffering. To be human is to be simultaneously broken and beautiful. To experience the depths of sorrow in one moment, and the expansion of love in the next. It’s the yin and the yang. The chaos and the order. A balance.

Now even though I know it’s all a balancing act, that’s just head knowledge. Theory. Experiencing balance firsthand is a process. You need to study yourself and discover what keeps you balanced. But the only way to figure that out is if you fail. It’s rather paradoxical, right? That the only way to fine-tune balance is in the moments when we’re off balance.

I guess one of the questions I’m constantly seeking to answer is

“How do I find balance?”

Even in the last post, the point I was eventually going to get to is that you need to balance out the good emotions with the bad emotions. You need to welcome them both into your home with a cup of tea and a smile.

That’s why my tagline to this website is “discipline. surrender. play.” This was inspired by an image I saw online, a venn diagram with one circle as discipline, the other surrender, and in the space where they overlap you get flow. I use the word play because it resonates more with me. That in-between place is where the magic is. It’s creation. It’s co-creating with the universe.

“How do I find balance?”

By trial and error. By failing forward. By studying yourself as if you were not yourself. By asking questions. By seeking out the wisdom of others. By… constantly learning. Become the eternal student. Find balance through learning. Sounds like common sense, but common sense isn’t always common practice.

Like I said, stream of consciousness! Really what I wanted to say is that I’m starting to feel better. I had a couple of rough weeks. Nothing terribly wrong, just not on my A-game. And what I’m beginning to realize is that that is completely normal. It’s to be expected even. You can’t always be on top of the world. Some days you’re just gonna be down in the dumps, and maybe even for a string of days or weeks or longer. But if we know that after some good days, bad days will come, we can be a little more gentle with ourselves when they get here. We can be lazy without judgement, we can take care of ourselves, and we can move through them feels instead of resisting them.

I’ll try to keep this in mind next time.

With LOVE,

Q. (11:11 pm)

Authentic August – Day 5

Generally speaking, I’m a positive person. An optimist. I always seem to find the silver lining. My glass is usually half full. But left unchecked, my proclivity for positive thinking can go a bit overboard. Rather than uncomfortably sitting with a negative emotion, even if that emotion is entirely called for, I’d rather put on my handy-dandy, rose-colored glasses and pretend like everything is just perfectly hunky-dory. Just take a peek at my self-talk:

“Well at least I’m alive!”

“It could be worse!”

“I have so much to be grateful for, so I shouldn’t feel badly about this! Or about anything else for that matter!!”

Look, a good attitude is a good thing, and it can be developed with practice. But if I’ve learned anything from Pixar, it’s that negative emotion which is expressed in a healthy way, is also a good thing. And this skill also can be developed with practice. So I need not deny my disappointment. I need not shy away from my sadness. I need only to seek out and practice healthier ways to deal with emotional distress. Throwing on my rose-tinted shades has served me well up to now, but it is the strategy I conjured up in my childhood, and since I’m no longer a kid (despite my best efforts), I am due for an update.

But before I brainstorm better ways to deal with those “big feelings”, I wanted to give my best guess as to why negative emotions are difficult for me in the first place. I know that they’re difficult for everyone, but I have a particularly hard time even recognizing/accepting when I’m feeling bad, sad, or mad. So here’s my take on why that’s the case.

Back when I was a wee lad…

Obviously overgeneralizations are unfair to make due to the lack of nuance, but based on what I’ve heard from friends, and based on my own experience, here’s an overgeneralization I’ll make given the limited evidence I do have:

Asian-immigrant families are not so emotionally vulnerable.

I’m a first-gen Filipino-American, and both my parents were born and raised in the Philippines. And both of them come from old-school Filipino families. And what that means is we don’t spend that much time talking about our feelings. Even if they’re good, and especially if they’re bad.

I won’t dive deep into an analysis of the Filipino psyche, but I will say that we are a very proud people. And sometimes when you’re proud, it’s tough to be vulnerable. And in the rare instance that you do share yourself vulnerably, some might say you’re weak. Or maybe some other not-so-nice Tagalog words.

On the flip side, we’re also a very happy people! Even our country’s tagline is “It’s More Fun in the Philippines!” And I’ve experienced firsthand during my visits “back home” just how much joy Filipino people can generate, despite only having the essentials.

And largely, that was the dominant emotion I experienced in my household growing up. Joy. Happiness. And Love. And I will be forever grateful for that.

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I will continue this post tomorrow! I’ve met my 500 words. And it’s just about bed time.

With LOVE,

Q.

Authentic August – Day 4

Rule #2 of Authentic August is to publish my daily blog post before midnight. It’s currently 10:57pm.

So I have roughly an hour to write 500 words (rule #1), so we’ll see how this goes! The previous 3 days’ posts all took longer than an hour, but perhaps there was a bit of Parkinson’s Law at play…

Parkinson’s Law states that “work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

In other words, if you have a project due in a week, it’ll take the whole week to finish that project. But as any master procrastinator like myself knows, that same project can be completed in 24 hours.

So because in the last three days I was not on a time crunch, the posts took longer than an hour to write. To be sure, they are probably a bit more well thought out than this post will be, but that’s kind of the point of this daily practice: to share my unpolished thoughts, to just be authentic, however imperfect that may be.

Cheers to Authenticity!

Speaking of being more authentic, part of why I’m writing this post so last minute is because just minutes before I began typing, I had uploaded my latest YouTube video – BE MORE AUTHENTIC: Choosing authenticiy over “growth hacks” on YouTube. This video was actually recorded before I started this blog, so technically this blog is an echo to the video. I’m just expressing how I want to focus more on authenticity instead of achievement. Actually, I was speaking to a friend yesterday, and strangely we’ve both been feeling this desire for more authenticity. As we were sharing stories, I said this:

“I want the success that comes from authenticity.”

Because whatever God/the Universe has in store for me is far grander than any dream life I could imagine on my own. But accessing this grander vision is only possible when we step into who we really are, when we live authentically. And that’s why I’m sharing myself as unfiltered as possible. Because you never know what doors will open just by being you.

Plus, don’t we deserve to discover who we are deep down? Wouldn’t it be amazing to meet your best self? That can’t happen if you’re always trying to be someone else. True transformation is borne of true acceptance. Self-acceptance.

So again, I want the success that comes from self-acceptance, from authenticity, from vulnerability. I want actual connection. I want to feel. If an experience is painful, can I really lean into it even though it may be unbearable? If an experience is pleasurable, can I really savor it? Can I stay present to the moment and not stolen away by my mind?

Because external markers of success – money, status, recognition – are all meaningless without the ability to experience. To actually feel alive.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve gone off on a tangent! And I hope you feel alive. Or at least… I hope you feel life tapping you on the shoulder, whispering in your ear that,

“There’s more for you on the other side of your fear.”

With LOVE,

Q.

11:52 pm 😄

Authentic August – Day 3

Do you CREATE yourself?

Or

Do you DISCOVER who you are?

Back in college I studied psychology and we always seemed to spend the first lecture, regardless of what class it was, answering the question…

NATURE vs. NURTURE?

Is our personality determined by our NATURE: our genetics and our DNA? Or is it determined by NURTURE: our upbringing, our environment, our choices?

And in that first lecture, regardless of what class it was, this was always the answer to that question: It’s BOTH.

So the “nature vs. nurture” discussion in that first lecture, regardless of what class is was, functioned more as a disclaimer. An acknowledgement, if you will. As if they were saying, “Yeah, we know the answer is BOTH, but in this class we’re going to study why it’s mostly NATURE!” Or, “In this class we’re going to study why it’s mostly NURTURE!”

So with that disclaimer at the forefront, let’s return to the opening question:

Do you CREATE yourself?

Or

Do you DISCOVER who you are?

I’ve been battling with this question for years now, and like many other ongoing battles of mine, it just finds a cozy home in the back of my mind, until some existential flare up brings it back front and center. And now that it is front and center, now that I am thinking about it, I recognize the answer is the same as the disclaimer in my psychology classes: both. But now I’m wrestling with the percentages: What percentage is creating who you are and what percentage is discovering who you are?

I think the major obstacle for me is that, if left to my own devices, I would try to create a version of myself who only seeks pleasure and excitement, and riches and fame. And I spent the better part of the last decade living a rather hedonistic lifestyle, chasing whatever shiny object that promised me the most immediate gratification.

(Just as a brief aside: obviously that’s an oversimplification of the last decade of my life. I did grow immensely, and I went through experiences that will forever shape how I move through the world.)

But I guess what I’m trying to figure out is the balance between discovery and creation. Do I get to pick who I become? Or rather, do I find myself?

Now I’m a self-help junkie, and I’m constantly hearing messages that say “you create your own destiny…”

that “you can manifest the life of your dreams…”

that “the law of attraction works if you just follow these 3 simple steps…”

Truth be told, I actually do believe those messages. I do think that we, at the level of the individual, are capable of more than we give ourselves credit for. It’s a matter of accepting responsibility for our lives, which then unlocks the creative power within.

So yes, while I do think we can choose who we become, if we aren’t invested in the process of discovering who we really are deep down, we may end up choosing a life that, in reality isn’t meant for us.

In other words, I do think you can use the law of attraction to manifest a life full of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, or whatever your “dream life” might be, but I think if you never take the time to try and discover yourself, to find yourself, then that “dream life” will ultimately be meaningless.

Do I want to curate a spectacular, experience-laden existence for myself? Of course! But I want to do so AUTHENTICALLY. By aligning myself with whatever instructions were written on my heart just before I was conceived.

Thanks for reading.

With LOVE,

Q

Authentic August – Day 2

Yesterday I mentioned that blogging is a more feasible daily practice than vlogging, what with work and all, but it’s also less scary. Less vulnerable. Because like, who even reads anymore? We like video content! And shorter and shorter content to boot. Our attention span shrunk from YouTube to Instagram to TikTok.

So this blog feels like training wheels for my blossoming authenticity. I would like to share my story more openly, but telling my story to a camera is way more intense than typing it out on a blank screen.

“But Q,” I hear you say, “isn’t the whole point of ‘Authentic August’ to live like you were dying, as Tim McGraw sang about? To be more authentic? Aren’t you supposed to drop your fears and just be you? Hate to say it man, but it sounds like you’re hiding behind the blog…”

You caught me! Yes, this does kinda fly in the face of being more authentic, but I’ve got a simple fix for that: read the blog out loud over on my Youtube channel! So whenever I publish these posts, I’ll be hopping on YouTube Live to host a short read-along, if you will. Making full-blown vlogs takes a lot of time and my perfectionism doubles that. Just because I made a video about my perfectionism, it doesn’t mean that it just suddenly surrendered to my better intentions; we are still waging war.

So in a way, I suppose these daily blogs/live read-alongs function both as a temporary antidote to my perfectionistic tendencies, as well as training wheels for my authentic self. I get to practice expressing the unpolished ruminations of my creative yet precarious mind, and hopefully in doing so, I learn to give less fucks.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson

Speaking of giving less of an F, I just finished the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, and it was rather spectacular. I’m going to reread it again soon because I took a long break in the middle of it, plus I’d like to internalize the lessons fully since a lot of them resonated so deeply. Heck, some parts even read a bit more like an auto-biography than a self-help book. Take this for example:

“Along with the entitlement of my early twenties, the “real traumatic shit” of my teenage years had left me with a nice bundle of commitment issues. I had spent the past few years overcompensating for the inadequacy and social anxiety of my teenager years, and as a result I felt like I could meet anybody I wanted, be friends with anybody I wanted, love anybody I wanted, have sex with anybody I wanted – so why would I ever commit to a single person, or even a single social group, a single city or country or culture? If I could experience everything equally, then I should experience them all equally, right?”

I could not have said it better myself even if I tried. If you know me, that excerpt is probably hilarious to you lol. Anyway, back to the first paragraph of this section – speaking of giving less of an F, I just finished the book, I’m gonna read it again, because ultimately the journey of becoming more authentic is the journey of giving less fucks. Part of why we put our masks on is because COVID is not a hoax (sorry, had to!) – it’s because we care about what other people think. Our parents, our boss, our friends, our significant other, even the guy we just met while waiting at the train station. We care a lot about what other people think. And we especially care if we are perfectionists.

I care so much that I had to think twice about cussing in this post. I don’t cuss at home, or around my family, but I do cuss. Cussing is not morally incorrect (we can debate that if you’d like) and it’s part of the way I chat with my friends. It’s just another tool in my lexicon toolkit. So you see, I censor myself with even with something as simple as the words I use. And if I’m censoring my words, you can be certain that I’m also censoring the substance of what I’m saying. The content. And all because I care way too much about what you think of me.

But I’m almost 28 and I’ve gotta learn how to ride this bike eventually, so I’m screwing in these training wheels, I’m opening up, I’m trusting that in the process of loving myself for who I really am, I’ll eventually need your approval less and less, and I’ll attract the people, places, and things that are actually meant for me.

Thanks for reading.

With LOVE,

Q